The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
