there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
