Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
