my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
