He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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