Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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