My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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