apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
