the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
