A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he thought i was a dude.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
