the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
