I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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