the condom got lost in my hair
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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