I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
