I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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