Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
