her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
