This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
