I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
