so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
