Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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