Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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