also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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