i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
