Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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