I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
