She's JV to your varsity
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
