I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
