I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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