dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
