I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
