I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
