The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
