Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
