I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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