I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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