No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
