I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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