Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
