What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
