My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
