how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
