And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
