I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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