im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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