you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
