This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
