Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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