Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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