Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
